Posted in lifestyle, poetry

XXX

My mind and body crave one thing
attention
the sensations, the pleasure
his lips take me to a whole new dimension

hands stroking me so gentle
a treasure
my body tightens
breaths quicken

the lights off
the room brightened
peaceful
quiet

the thrill all in my head
with every moment
my body enlightened
a burst of desire

burning through my veins
a blaze of fire
i’m seeing red
I want to give up, give in

he can read me
hear me
my walls paper thin
Feeling our heartbeats intertwine

the wall I put up is slowly deteriorating
Forgot how powerful it can be
The attention
him seeing me

feeling complete
my mind and body are now at ease.

TOODALOO JW

Posted in fashion, lifestyle, Random little Journal Entries

Summer 2016 Indiana Pt 1

These photos were taken by my best friend who lives in Indy. PC: BFM

Summer!!! What can I say, I wasn’t expecting to actually enjoy Indiana but I did. The gloomy weather and the rain brought me down a little bit. I am definitely not used to the humidity. This is just one of the outfits I wore in Indy. My favorite kimono/shawl from Forever21, shorts from Aeropostale (which by the way have the most incredible fit! I don’t really shop at Aero anymore but these shorts are too good to pass up!), Tan-ish/Beige boots from Charlotte Russe, and jewelry from Aldo.  Its been a while since I was able to wear shorts and a t-shirt in the pouring rain. California has me spoiled with all of the beautiful weather so you kind of forget about the rest of the world. Maybe I should start travel blogging! Any thoughts?

Breathe/1am

So unsure
going slow
Enjoying the rude
this is something new

Used to the rush
every relationship,
a roller coaster

The anticipation doesn’t last
not long enough anyway

//

I always seem to overdo
take a step back
wanting something new
perseverance is what I lack

Jumping into things
I never think
Expecting to swim
only to sink

Bit off more than I can chew
Stuck in situations
thinking theres more to do
Missing the foundation entirely

Not being able to answer myself
Don’t know what I want
Like a bird without a flock
A wolf without a pack

I know
I know
Just take a step back
Allow myself to gain the strength

To grow
Create the blueprints
Before the home
Making every move count

TOODALOO JW

Posted in lifestyle, poetry

Hiking; Cali Adventures

wp-1461746840500.jpg

Hiking takes the edge off of a lot,
Walking,
Feeling the fresh air fill your lungs
Feeling like there is more to life than the norm
Nothing but open space for miles filled with fresh flowers, green hills, and wildlife.
Butterflies floating
Fluttering around my ankles
Landed on my shoulder like a friend
A distraction
Positive
Good vibes
Enhanced by a drug that puts everything in a new perspective
Allowing myself to feel everything
See everything
Be out of my element for a few moments
Only to find that while doing these things
I was able to find myself again
Instead of being in the usual 9-5 schedule that had become my life
Taking a step back and understanding how much life can take a toll on a person
Understanding that life is beautiful and filled with beautiful surprises experiences are around every corner
It’s up to us to decide what we do with our anger, rage, stress
You can live in it
Let it overpower you
Or take a step back
Walk
Take a hike

TOODALOO JW

Posted in Random little Journal Entries, Uncategorized

20 years young

I finally hit the big two-zero, right out of my teen years and into the twenties where life is supposed to somehow become exciting and amazing. I have heard so many stories about how the best years of a person’s life begins at this age. I feel nothing but excitement and at the same time, I am curious to find out whats next. There is a surprise around every corner. My life right now is about me trying to remain content with being single. After having a one night stand with my ex-boyfriend from high school, that I recently reconnected with. I am not rushing into any more relationships for a while. It affected me in so many ways and I have realized that I have become very sensitive to the idea of intimacy with someone you barely know. The biggest turn off is when a guy is more into you, then you are him. I have also started a new job so I have a huge distraction coming my way. I know I have not posted in a while but I have decided to start writing again. I changed my major and am now looking into going into journalism. Hopefully I won’t change my mind again anytime soon.

Thats all for now,

TOODALOO JW

Late night quiet

In my bed I lay awake
my heart pounding, my hands shake
my mind fills with thoughts unclear
Is this hate or just fear
so many emotions boiling up inside
like a tea kettle steam arise
bubbling and brewing like a fresh lie
until the truth comes out
peace and quiet

TOODALOO JW

Posted in Uncategorized

Things that I was never able to tell anyone

My mother is a wonderful person. She is kind, caring, thoughtful and a very sweet person in general, but she didn’t have the best judgement. My father on the other hand had a very different set of personalities and he used alcohol to reveal the one I disliked most. It was also the one I feared because when he was intoxicated, I didn’t recognize him. He drank vodka as if it would quench his thrust, guzzling dozens of bottles in a mere couple of hours. I didn’t understand why though. My mother was never unkind to him, and till this day I couldn’t fully comprehend why he let alcohol get in the way of living life peacefully. He would abuse us constantly, and abuse is a word that I can not stand. It is like the venom of a snake to me, toxic and unforgiving. I wouldn’t say I lived a very normal childhood because it is not normal to have someone constantly beating you. Beating you as if you had the answer they were looking for. I was a punching bag to him, but he was unaware of the pain he had caused. Intoxicated one night after the next, I forgave him and moved on but there was one point where our patience was tested to the breaking point. My mother always told me not to notify the police of family problems but I guess she was right sometimes, others not so much. I remember him bringing a knife upstairs, asking my brother why my mother was such a whore. My mother admits that she never really loved my father, she tolerated him because of us. It was an arranged marriage, they didn’t even meet until the night of the wedding. She cried all through her wedding day. She didn’t want to get married to my father, she always pictured being in love and having this fairy tale life where everything would be rainbows and unicorns after she found her soul mate. That wasn’t a problem until all the guys she was dating were also very disturbed. One of her boyfriends brought me to his home because I was sick and couldn’t be at school. There he allowed me to rest in a bedroom that he then joined me in. Touching my back and telling me to relax, then slipping his hands further and further into my yoga pants. A young girl, rendered helpless in a strangers home asking him to stop over and over. I didn’t think much of it then, but looking back I realized how much pain that sick man had caused and the fact that his injustice went unpunished is what bothers me most. The next was a man that I’d known my whole life, I grew up with his daughters. They were my sisters and he was like a second father to me. Grew up playing barbies in the apartment complex with the girls as he and my father made kabobs in the park. My mother first became unfaithful after this man had convinced her that he was the love of her life, and that they would grow up and grow old together living peacefully while his daughters and I grew up side by side, except his wife was just as abusive as my father. She was a nasty woman that always hated my mother, but that was probably because she knew how her husband felt about her. As I grew up, he and my mother were off and on, but she often spoke of him. A while back they reconnected and this time, instead of convincing my mother and charming her he was being extra charming to me. I thought it was because he and his daughters were apart and he wanted someone to spend time with. He took me shopping daily and we would do anything I wanted. One day he told me that he wanted more from me, and that because he was doing so much for me that I should return the favor. I didn’t understand what he meant at first but then he made it very clear that he had a sexual desire that he wanted me to please. Heartbroken, and betrayed I told my mom of what happened only to find that she was in complete denial and didn’t believe me. Blamed me for him not wanting to see us or spend time with us anymore. The sorrow that accompanied these feelings are more than anyone should feel, and I don’t think I could ever forget the events growing up but It did make me stronger. Every event was a lesson learned.